HELLO, FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS! IT’S TIME FOR YOUR WEEKLY ASTROLOGY REPORT, SPONSORED IN PART BY HARPER SUNKWORKS! Dust off your hangover and listen up, you salty bastards!
Venus is now partying it up in Sagittarius but having a little spat with Neptune who is staggering home on the walk of shame to Pices on 10/25. Some huge disappointment for some of you for your love life and financial status. I suppose if you didn’t blow your whole paycheck on that mail order bride scam a few months ago, you’d be taking that vacation your friends wanted you to go on and find a real person.
Venus sexting Jupiter on 10/26, which means there will be hope for your sorry ass. Now that you’ve gotten the cold hard reality check, it’s time to move forward and start recovering from your poor life choices. I would, however, stay off of the dating sites and focus on yourself before you end up in jail with no pants on.
Mercury will move into the deep thinking and investigative sign of Scorpio on 10/24. Remember… when you have a license, you’re a private investigator. If you don’t, you’re a stalker. Hire a professional. Don’t be in someone’s bushes late at night because you think they’re one of those “reptilian race” mother fuckers. Tin foil is on sale at Wal Mart by the way.
The Sun in Scorpio shall meet Mercury in Scorpio on 10/27. Time for the negotiations to begin. If you suck at being sly, you need a lawyer and not one you find on Craigslist. If you’re in the E4 mafia, the sham shield is going to be solid with you. This is your time to fuck off during duty hours without any problems!
On 10/29 Mars in Capricorn will square Uranus in Aires bringing surprises. Again, anything going in our out of Uranus is due for a surprise! This cosmic cocktail for disaster will be a complete, utter nightmare for the motor pool as vehicle mishap reports will skyrocket, QA will be up your ass, and the Wing Safety briefing will conclude with weekend duty for everyone mandated by the Wing King. Also, try to curb the damn road rage, no drag racing with the forklift, and particularly be careful on construction sites and stay the hell off my lawn unless you’re paying me for that shit.