Trump Puts Zoltar Out of a Job in NYC

By Tony Sokol

It might not be huge, but it’s Big. Remember Zoltar? The psychic in the box like the one who made Tom Hanks small in Big? Well, Donald Trump is now spewing his fortunes all over Brooklyn. No, he’s not dropping dimes. He’s just kinda spewing. Fortunately, his spewerltry comes with handy to-do tips on how to spend your day.

Now, don’t be like Captain Kirk in that Twilight Zone episode where he and his date can’t get out of a diner booth because the genie in the jukebox keeps telling them to wait, that might just lead to a Trump presidency. Which would mean a Pence presidency and that’s kind of counterproductive to the whole fortune thing, as there will be dwindlings.

“Look into my crystal ball and see America’s future,” the one on the northern end of Manhattan Avenue, at the corner of Clay Street in Brooklyn promises. And then goes on a love fest for Mexico, a rampage about trains and other balmy orange stuff.

“There’s no wall. Do you have any idea how much that would cost? I mean, you people are so clueless,” the machine admits. The NYPD reportedly turned off the sound at the one by Trump Towers. The anonymous creators confirmed the voice is done by Anthony Atamanuik to TIME. He’s popular and everybody loves him, as opposed to the machine that popped up at the News Corp. building.

The “All-Seeing Trump” disappeared in a van before we could interview him. Now if I could only unsee the naked Trump statue.

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