I know I said I’d do this after lunch and its 2138 so it’s technically after lunch …. hey… My time is money you know. I ain’t running a goddamn charity here, so pay the fuck attention:
Here are your goddamn horoscopes
ARIES: The first week may be packed with details and fine points you’ve been avoiding, so you need to pull your head out of your ass, and pay the fuck attention to your shit. A loved one will admire and desire you all the more somewhere around the full moon, and want full upgrade to Dependa status. However, the full moon will also allow your intuition to kick in and see through people’s bullshit. So either they really do love you, or they just want your BAH and Tricare.
TAURUS: The September 1 New Moon (and Solar Eclipse) triggers a burst some some playful energy that might make you not want to get mad, but troll the fuck out of someone this month. Do it. Your enemies won’t know if they should take you seriously, or that maybe you finally snapped. The Full Moon (and Lunar Eclipse) on September 16 affects your social life and whatever clubs or organizations you may be part of. People may be a bit touchy-feely, more so during this time than others, so if you’re ugly, and the only action you get is the TSA pat down at the airport, you might actually get laid for once this month.
GEMINI: Early September is for family and forming stronger bonds with people. Like you really might want to Netflix and Chill for real. Treasure every kind word, because there could be a lot of feeling behind it from those people, so don’t be a sarcastic cunt. The The September 16 Full Moon (and Lunar Eclipse) is work world and career for you. Be sensitive to co-workers’ requests, during this time because everyone is on their damn period and your snarkiness may land you down at HR or lynched in the breakroom.
CANCER: Friends and neighbors are there to share the many good times in the first week of this month. This includes family members who may have been keeping their distance or keeping their opinions to themselves. You are going to wonder why the fuck all these people are on your lawn all of a sudden. During this Mercury Retrograde, someone might actually tell you why they’ve been holding a grudge against you for some shit you can’t remember from two years ago when you were drunk at some New Years Eve party or something. Try not to choke them.
LEO: Look for invitations, gifts, and other tokens of friendship early this month especially from people you don’t really know. You very well could have a stalker by the end of the month. . The September 1 New Moon can bring the start of money and favors your way for September. Most of this is in return for favors you’ve done recently and money with interest you loan sharked out, so you might not have to call Uncle Vinney to break some kneecaps afterall.
VIRGO: Well aren’t you just a goddamn special little cupcake this month?The New Moon and Solar Eclipse on September 1 are all yours.People will bend over backward to please you this month, but don’t become a dictator. Any conflict will go your way, but it won’t be forgotten. The September 30 New Moon could bring a money matter into better balance, and it will come from a loan repayment or selling hand jobs behind 7-11.
LIBRA: The New Moon and Solar Eclipse on September 1 give you the secret superpowers of charm and persuasion. If you ever dreamed of running a pyramid scheme, being an Army recruiter or starting a career as a Nigerian scammer, this is the right time for you! You will also be able to tactfully straighten out a financial matter, especially if you know how to hide ae body and can shoot at least marksman. Look great no matter what you do so no truck stop $5.00 hair cuts. Midmonth, pay more attention to your health. Refrain from heroic efforts or anything that begins with “Hey y’all come watch this shit!” Control the impulse to be overly generous, never swallow on the first date.
SCORPIO: The September 1 New Moon and Solar Eclipse will put you with some partying people, this month except maybe you won’t be feeling very social at first. If you’re not up for all the merriment, be friendly but firm or if they don’t get the hint, you can chase them off your lawn with a shotgun. September 16 you might actually want to go out and have a good time. Don’t do anything stupid and remember that herpes is the gift that keeps on giving. The September 30 New Moon could bring a flurry of psychic dreams and reveal sharp insights into a stressful relationship and you’ll finally Ditch the bitch and buy a Harley.
SAGITTARIUS: Career concerns and public image are highlighted for you this month. Not a good time for E-4’s to over sham. This month can provide you the big opportunity you’ve been wanting. Midmonth, be realistic about family concerns: Your mother in law will never like you, she can see right through your shit and stop faking it. Also stop fucking micromanaging expecting perfection from anyone in the workplace is like expecting a rooster to shit gold for you. The September 16 Full Moon (and Lunar Eclipse) suggests that a relative may be concealing worries. Get them drunk and they’ll tell you what’s up. Also, avoid slurging too much this month. You honestly do not need a cannon that shoots ham.
CAPRICORN: Step the fuck back from an issue and stay in your goddamn lane. You need to learn how to go with the flow this month otherwise by the full moon, you’ll be biting the pillow because Mercury Retrograde is going in dry on you. Also, stop bitching about the job you have right now and go start looking for a new one. New leads could be coming by the 22nd.
AQUARIUS: Face a longstanding problem with the easiest solution the first part of the month, even if it’s something as simple as a throat punch to someone. You have plenty of resources, clever ideas, and some extra luck. You’re under no delusions during the September 16 Full Moon. Take your time making any money decisions and stop spending it on Candi (with an i) … she’s just a Hooter girl working for tips – Not to date you. Flirtations,will be coming your way this month …. go ahead… you know she wants that unsolicited dick pic. There might be a Leo chick with big boobies who collects those things on Mondays.
PISCES: Romance highlights this month for you. You may be pining over your fucking ex into your beer when a bright new love appears. You will think this person might be your soulmate. You’re too stubborn to learn your fucking lesson about that scenerio, so we won’t bother telling you how you’re going to fuck this one up as well. The September 16 Full Moon lunar energy may make you jittery like a Lindsey Lohan’s 3rd day in rehab. Calm your fucking tits and rely on your good instincts as much as your reason. The right decisions may not be instantly obvious. Feel things out and be confident and when we say Feel things out, don’t go grabbing some chick’s boob randomly. The September 30 New Moon might make you a fucking know it all , with all the answers. Shut your fucking pie hole and don’t give anyone advice who doesn’t ask for it. They’ll punch you in the mouth.